APOCALYPSE IN ABILENE
HISTORY TORN TO
SMITHEREENS IN TEN MINUTES OF DEADLY GUNPLAY.
October 26th,
1874
Abilene, Kansas saw its deadliest gun battle in over
thirty-six hours as members of the Texas cattle fraternity and local law
officers battled it out in and around the Bull’s Head saloon, an establishment
notorious for incidents such as the Saturday Night Slaughter of ’70, the Monday
Afternoon Massacre of ’71, the Mid-day Holocaust of ’72, and the Lunch
Catastrophe of ’73 which, in all fairness, was due to tainted mayonnaise on the
finger sandwiches.
Among the fallen were notable lawman Wild Bill Hickok, Abilene
constable “Chester” Asby Lowe, Texas mankiller John Wesley Hardin, and
cattleman Phil “Doboy” Taylor, an associate of Hardin’s. Surviving were Bull’s
Head owner Robert TB Tender, constable Woodrow Legge, and another member of the
Taylor faction who was carried off by an spooked horse. Legge was shot through
the mouth and prosthetic leg, yet managed to dispatch foes with a cool
disregard for danger which is the hallmark of amputees.
The fracas began when Hardin and Taylor came to town to
claim the body of their murdered cousin, Cletus “Pigeon Toes” Hootenany who was
shot by an unidentified party at, coincidentally, an unidentified party. Blaming
local law officers for the killing, the two Texans invaded the Bull’s Head
saloon, killing Lowe instantly with a shot to the head and cornering Legge
behind the bar, where he managed to kill Taylor after exchanging several shots
and receiving his own gruesome head wound, a bullet entering the mouth and
causing the loss of one good tooth, and one that was about sixty percent bad.
Hearing gunfire, Marshal J.B. Hickok vaulted to a perfect dismount
from the amorous sport in which he was engaged, dressed himself impeccably and
mounted a horse, riding to the scene of the gunplay and joining in, game as
ever. Unfortunately, the auburn-haired specimen of manly perfection was unable
to prevent a fate which has become the bane of Hickoks everywhere; he was shot
dead from ambush by an assassin at the window behind him.
The gun battle was brought to a halt by the quick-thinking
owner of the Bull’s Head and his trusty shotgun “Emma,” named for his estranged
wife (who is now residing in Denver). Tender told reporters that much like his
former companion, the shotgun cracks open when loaded and has a tremendous
spread when used.
When asked if they were heroes, Tender attempted to sell the
reporter his autograph, and Legge made a quiet whistling sound due to the holes
in his face.
The preceding was a report from an afternoon game of Gunfighter’s Ball, the Wild West tabletop
miniatures game. Six friends rolled dice, drew cards, and moved miniatures
around a model town, producing the results detailed in this story. A good time
was had by all.
